Well it's been a LONG LONG LONG time since I wrote anything on here and today with the weather and the way I'm feeling I needed to write something.

Lots has happened.....I was in a relationship, then I ended it, I've had a few surgeries which always sucks. Along with that I'm still struggling to find a balance with having a Chronic illness and working plus spending time with my family.

I think I've spoken about that "toxic" cycle of emotions that happens when you do suffer from constant pain. For me it goes like this........Happy, Sad, Angry, Blue, Happy, and it's bloody annoying!

The latest thing that's really annoying me is my newest injury.....my right knee. Now I've been on a roll lost 25kgs in the last 6mths, my pains were manageable and then I wake up one weekend and my knee is HUGE and swollen, and very painful. I didn't injure it whatsoever. Cutting a long story short I had to have unexpected surgery on it and I had torn cartilage and have whats called a "micro fracture" where I have 6 tiny holes that were drilled into the joint - ick I know right?

Anyway my surgery happened like 5 weeks ago, got the all clear to go back to work on week 4. All is good up to today - my knee has blown up again and it's fucking sore! Excuse my language but it is - and I am so over it.

*sigh*

It just seems to me that whenever I seem to be going well, something always happens to throw a spanner in the works for me - it just doesn't seem fair.

That's my rant for the day - may you all be well and stay safe

T  xx

The Invisible

It's been awhile since I posted, I guess because I really didn't have anything important to say - but alas I now do.

Much of society doesn't talk about what I call "The Invisible" - what is the invisible I hear you ask. Well the invisible is something that we can't see, but it can affect many of us in many different ways. For example - Mental Health, Illnesses and other things to that nature. Why do I want to talk about this now? Well, because I am a sufferer. I have an illness that no one can see, I guess it could fall under the Mental Health banner, but it doesn't really. I suffer from Fibromyalgia. Writing about it is so hard for me, because I do try to forget that I have this horrible problem - unfortunately I have it so I just have to deal with it.

Fibromyalgia is and can be a chronic disease which effects the pain receptors going to the brain, so because of this the body experiences huge amounts of pain all over the body 24/7, 365 days a year. It doesn't stop. Like I mentioned before it can fall under the Mental Health banner as it is a problem with the brain - I guess I always knew deep down I was a nut job haha. So who can get Fibro? Anyone, at any time of their life. There are many many symptoms, way too many to list that you may experience when you have Fibro. I will name just a few: Bodily aches, Headaches, IBS, Fibro "Fog" (forgetting things), insomnia. Fibro can be caused mainly by 2 things - Stress or Injury.

There are many treatments both clinical and natural that can help aide in a remission of that dreaded pain each day, but never forget it can creep up on you at any time. I have finally found a clinical treatment that helps, although this week so far has been hard for me. It's my birthday this week and I have a case of the birthday blues. I don't want to celebrate it's just another day for me, and I physically don't feel like celebrating when I'm in such discomfort. This unfortunately I think is something which is causing my body to stress hence my pain currently. Another trigger for me that causes my pain is work. I have recently started a reduced hours "return to work" program now which is better for my body, but financially it sucks like you wouldn't believe. That in itself is a stress that most people tend to experience in their lifetime - financial struggle.

But anyway I'm getting off topic. Fibro is something that cannot be seen such as a broken arm, or having stitches….it's invisible. I remember returning to work after 5 weeks off sick leave, I could hear people "she walks funny now, is she ok" or "she looks fine, why has she been off on sick leave". It drove me crazy and still does. No one can understand what I go through each day - it's a physical struggle from getting up until going to bed. Even now I am getting treatment that is helping, people think I'm fine, I have a smile on my face so it's all A-Ok! Let me tell you it's not. I have to try and smile through the day to get through the day, otherwise I'm going to be this sad shmuck in the corner bawling my eyes out all day. Sometimes I come home and cry - it feels like a release for me for being so strong each week. People don't understand that just because I smile and look happy doesn't mean that I'm coping - smiling each day and trying to look happy is MY way of coping. Just like Mental Health patients you can't see their illness.

Please remember - just because a person is smiling, doesn't always mean they're ok, they're putting on a brave face to cope through another day.

T xx

Friend or Foe

Friends are an important thing to have in ones life. You can talk to them about most things, and give them advise and other things they may need. But what happens when that friendship becomes sour?


I've had a so called "friend" for the past 6yrs, we have had our ups and downs and sorted through stuff. But thinking now I've come to the last straw. Most things I can forgive, but lies upon lies upon lies? I don't like it, and that's when the whole trust thing goes out of the window. Anyway, this so called friend a few yrs ago lied to me about being married. They had no specific reason for not telling me, but you know getting married is a BIG part of life. Why did they feel like they couldn't share that with me? Because "they" didn't want our relationship to change? Excuse me, we're friends how is marraige going to change that, I would of been MORE than happy for them IF they had told me.


Oh, but it continues………


After nearly a yr of telling me they're "separated" and going to sort things out financially I find out that this is indeed not the case. In fact they still live together (after being told otherwise) and………..just had a baby 1mth ago?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Am I not a good enough friend to tell this important stuff to? Or am I just chopped liver……..perhaps this might of "changed" our relationship also. A child is a wonderful thing and I am so hurt by the lies and deceipt from my "friend".


I question honesty, and I guess I should choose my friends more wisely…things like this make it hard to trust anyone. And with already having trust issues, it makes things even harder.


All I can say is that I am glad I have NO ONE in my life on a romantic level……because I don't have to worry about whether they're bullshitting me or not. I'm sure that sounds dramatic, but honestly life is too short to put up with people shitting on you let alone your friends doing it. 


I am in no way a bitter person, but I feel this post is more of a vent for me.


*rant over*


T xx

It's nearly Christmas people!

It's that time of year again for all the mega buck spending, present wrapping, and eating too bloody much! Yes, that's right….it's nearly Christmas in less than 5 weeks time.


I love the fact that my child is so happy at Christmas time and I love to spoil her rotten. But honestly when I walk through the shops I feel like bashing my head against a brick all. All those carols all that tinsel…..how can people possibly be so happy at this time of year? For me, I see mess, rushing, maxing out the credit card, tantrums, eating too much, carols all day long aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!! Somebody shoot me!


*big sigh* again I want to iterate, I love my child and will please her no matter how much hair I will pull out over Christmas. But you know sometimes…..Id like to just curl into a ball and sleep the day out.


T xx

Selfishness…...

So I admit it, I can be selfish sometimes more than I like to admit I am. I try not to be, and I'm really trying to work on it.


I like to try and do 1 thing every 2 weeks for myself, whether that may be, buying myself a DVD, or making myself something yummy to eat. Now all good n well, but when you throw children into the mix this becomes so hard and it makes me feel awful. 


I never want to be the parent that thinks of themself before their children, nor do I wish to have my child feel asthough they come second place in my life. I love my child more than anything in this world, sometimes I just want time for me? Is that so bad? Sometimes it makes me feel awful for wanting that, and sometimes…..well most of the time I don't get what I need. I always try and provide the best I can for my child and being a single person with having a child makes things even harder too.


I have been told that I am not a "single" person, well technically I am and I'm not. I don't have a significant other in my life at this time, but I have the most important person I could ever wish to have in it….my daughter. It makes things really hard sometimes being a single parent and not being able to do what you want to do…..not that I regret choices I have made….I regret NOTHING.


Just sometimes I feel too selfish for my liking…


T xx

Does size really matter?

I figured Id write about this topic, since I saw a sight on my way home from work today. Now I live in the country and it takes me an hour to drive to and from work. So on my leisurely drive home today I saw a ute pulled up on the side of the road, and a guy standing next to a wheeley bin (rubbish bin) having a pee! He didn't really seem to care, just held his willy out there for everyone to see not trying to hide behind bushes or anything.


And this got me to thinking, does size really matter? Well does it?


Ladies and gents please chime in with your opinions. I think there is some truth to it though, size does matter somewhat. I've experienced both and imo…..bigger was better. No beating around the bush, bigger is the way to go. Now I have done some research into this (I guess I have nothing better to do with my time), and there is a way to fix a small willy! Aparently it's ALL there just "inside" and all it takes is a small snip to release the rest of it, and hey presto….a bigger willy is born. 


Some of you fellas might want to research that ;)


T xx

Plastic vs Natural

Ok, so everyone knows what plastic surgery is right? If you don't you're SO out of the loop….visit wikipedia, it'll be your best friend. I've seen many many many people get plastic surgery done, hell, even I've had it done (but shh). But it's just when those certain kinds of people take it just that little bit too far……….before you know it, they're looking like Jocelyn Wildenstein (again, if you have no idea who that is, wiki is your friend mmkay).


To botox or not to botox this is the question amongst many young women and men these days. The pressure of society to look "perfect" is just a fixation of ones imagination. Plastic surgery was designed to help the physically damaged people of the world, not to make us all look like barbie dolls with breasts up to our chins and eyebrows that don't move when we cry.


I know I'll probably get a few comments about me getting plastic surgery done. And for everyone's information I was 12yrs old, and got teased for looking like a wing nut with sticky out ear. But, I'd have to say I'd do it again, but not for the vanity of it, I'm happy with my face.


It makes you wonder though what ALL these people are going through, mentally and physically, not to mention financially. I guess after having so many face lifts they get used to it, but in my opinion they never look as good as they did before any surgery was done.


T xx